Sara was withdrawn and disengaged. She was generally a very outgoing eight year old who enjoyed school and spending time with friends. Her parents began to notice Sara's change in behavior about a month after her grandmother's passing. Her grandmother had been ill for some time and the family was aware that she would not survive her illness. Sara had been close to her grandmother, often spending time after school with her while her parents finished up work. Sara's parents had initially thought that Sara was coping pretty well with her grandmother's death for the weeks following the funeral. After noticing her emotional distance, they tried to talk to Sara about it, but Sara would only ignore the questions and continue to play quietly. Finally after a couple of months of her disengaged behavior, her parents felt they needed a professional intervention.

Does Sara's story strike any chords within a family you may know or have known? Often we tend to see children as being incredibly resilient or that they will "snap out of" a funk when dealing with loss. Some children, just like adults, can cope rather well with situations like these, just as other children, like other adults, struggle more profoundly with loss. Every person is different and deals with grief and loss in varying ways. It is important that if a child you know is displaying marked differences in behaviors and emotions, it is time to look into the following support and help options:

1) Observe your child's behavior, and ask yourself if it is out of the ordinary, how long has it been going on, etc.

2) Speak with your child's teach or child care worker (if there is one) and ask if he/she has observed changes in your child's behavior or emotional well-being.

3) Make an appointment to see your pediatrician- it can't hurt to get a physical just to be on the safe side. Always rule out medical problems as a trigger to changes in behavior or emotions. 

4) Find an outpatient counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc. Have your child assessed- some one on one or family counseling could be very helpful in giving your child a place to talk about his/her grief/loss.

5) Find a support group. Many hospitals, churches, community centers, mental health centers, and private practices offer group courses, support groups, and meetings for children coping with some kind of grief or loss issue. Having other children who are experiencing similar emotions that they can connect with while under the supervision and guidance of a qualified group leader can often produce the best results in healthy behavioral and emotional change.

Remember:

  • Be supportive, not critical.
  • Attempt to understand WHY the child may be acting differently or feeling differently.
  • Be aware of how you are behaving and feeling- adults are role models of coping. If you are grieving in noticeable ways, your child may be picking up that energy from you. Get help.
  • Be accessible- your child wants to talk or share, take time to listen.
  • Art and play can be very therapeutic- take time to do those activities with your child.
  • Routine and schedule are key- try to keep this up so that your child feels safe, comfortable, and knows what to expect without too many "surprises."
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Meghan Reitz

Meghan Reitz, LCPC, NCC, has worked within the counseling profession for over 20 years. Her therapist experience includes providing individual, couples, family, group, and crisis counseling. She also speaks with companies and groups on mental health and wellness topics. Learn more about Meghan here.